Dear Ranger,  I think chewing is great.  Hard plastic is the BEST! But 7 pairs of Mom's work shoes were pretty awesome. She doesn't let me get to her sunglasses anymore.  I guess after 7 pairs of those, she got kinda tired of getting new ones. I chewed up Mom's humidifier the other day.  I really like cardboard, too. It's one of the 5 basic dog food groups.... What do you think about chewing? -Murphy

Dear Murphy,

Wow, you are the connoisseur of chewing. Chewing is a delight with many subtleties. My favorite is when Mom smears some peanut butter on a cardboard box and lets me go to town. I'm not in to shoes, but I know what you mean about plastic....nice and smooth with a crunchy finish. But I notice you didn't talk about the carpet. Have you sampled her rugs? There's this berber in my family room that comes up as one long string when I pull. I see you are sitting on a lovely gray shag. How does it taste? -Ranger

Dear Ranger, My humans seem to have disappeared and they left me home alone. I haven't seen them for days. The only good part is that the pretty redhead woman comes over every day to feed me and play with me. She knows how to rub me between the ears just right! Do you think my humans will ever come back? If not, how can I get the redhead to move in? - Korova

Dear Korova,

You'd best not get distracted by pretty redheads. She may be nice right now, but if she moved in she'd become a strict disciplinarian who wouldn't let you do anything fun. She's just doting on you because she feels sorry for you. You must be playing her pretty well. See if you can get extra treats out of it. And don't worry - your humans love you too much to leave you for very long! -Ranger

Hi Ranger, I want to tell you that my folks finally took me to a street fair on July 4th. It was wonderful. Nice people fed me hamburgers; my parents gave me some of their steak sandwiches and then we shared a funnel cake. It was awesome. Then I met lots of nice people who petted me and talked with me. How can I get my parents to take me to more nice street fairs? -Duchess

You are already doing it! You behaved nicely and they are so tickled about it. They'll take you out again. Maybe they'll even bring you to visit me! Your picture is very nice....are you seeing anyone? -Ranger

Hi Ranger, I just returned from a visit to Wisconsin where the rabbits were running amok. I worked very hard to control these little beasts and even patrolled the neighbor's yards. Now my folks are threatening me with a bath because I was working in the conservancy weeds. Is there no justice!!! What to do? -Duchess

I've seen this before. Your parents just got new carpeting, a new couch, new paint.....they want to keep you clean so that you don't mess up their new stuff. Only when the carpet gets covered with stains will they relax and go back to the normal bath schedule. So get to it. That carpet needs to be broken in! -Ranger

Dear Ranger,

My problem was having to work so hard for little treats. So, I took your advice and acted surly and unhappy. I even ate a stick of butter. Woe is me.  It has not worked. I have been banned to the back porch all by myself, and they leave me for hours, by myself. Now I am sad and lonely too much. They leave me all by myself. What can I do Ranger. They leave me all by myself.  -Duchess

Dear Duchess,

Sorrow and grief! What hard-hearted parents you must have, who abandon a poor little doggie like yourself. I'm going to discuss this with the son of these insensitive humans. I'll see if he can convince your parents to treat you with the love you deserve. -Ranger

Dear Ranger,

Thanks for all of your great advice on how to handle the three interlopers occupying my territory.  Those tips really worked, as one of them has now been assigned to another cat’s territory.  I still have two invaders to deal with however, and they can’t leave because they have been sick.  Now that they are feeling better, they have been escaping their cell, eating my food, talking to my outdoor birds, and playing with my toys.  Somehow they think that if they try to say hello to me enough times I will soften, but we both know that isn’t happening.  I can’t wait for Saturday when they will be whisked off to Petsmart again and out of my hair.

- Yours in misery, MittenKitten

Dear MittenKitten,

So far, so good. Now be sure to put bows in their hair, fluff up their fur, and give them some voice coaching. Teach them how to meow in the most pitiful manner possible. These no-good freeloaders will be off to their new homes in no time! -Ranger

Dear Ranger,

I have a question for you. I have a very furry butt. It's the envy of the entire neighborhood pack. I really like to have my fuzzy butt scratched, but I can't get Mommie and Daddy to follow me around and scratch it. Any suggestions?
I've got to take a nap now. Woof!

-Oolong

Dear Oolong,

Greetings to a fellow GQ dog! It looks like your parents are tidy folks who love to groom you so you stay fabulous. Here's what you do. When you are out next, roll your back end around in some burrs. Not mud! That would bring on the dreaded *B*A*T*H*. But some simple burrs...well that's going to require a half hour of brushing to get out. Sweet, sublime butt-brushing! Good luck dude. -Ranger

Dear Ranger,

I am trouble having to guard and protect a lot lately. My parents will not always take me along for the ride. I am always so very good, well usually I'm good.

-Libbylou

Dear Libbylou,

You have my sympathies on a tough problem. You'll have to take drastic action to get this resolved. What you'll need to do is start acting hurt, in a real way. Lay down, wimper, and lick your paw. Keep licking like there's something stuck in it. Eventually your parents will get worried and scheduled a vet visit. Once they bundle you into the car for your appointment, you are miraculously cured! On the drive over, enjoy yourself and hang your head out the window. Woohoo! Later, look at the vet like you don't know why you are there. And you'll get another great ride back home. You will have to repeat this performance about 3 times before they get the idea. Good luck and let me know how it goes. -Ranger

Dear Ranger,
Why do dogs like to eat grass?  
-Sammycat

Dear Sammycat,

I'm not suprised you asked, since dogs and cats eat grass for different reasons. Dogs eat grass for the look of pride in their owner's eyes when they hork up a bright green dash on the persian rug in the formal dining room. Cats, of course, eat grass as a form of artistic expression. They carefully arrange their vomit in a pleasing shape on the rug. Sometimes they have to hurl several times to get it right. -Ranger

Dear Ranger,

My mistress makes me work hard and dance with her before I can have a treat. How can I get treats without having to work so hard?

-Duchess

Dear Duchess,

Ah, I can see you've fallen into the classic mistake of being a good dog. I had that problem once, and the treats got harder to earn. You need to rediscover your dark side. Be sullen and uncooperative. Don't do anything your Mom says. I know that she's too tender-hearted to punish you, so she'll resort to giving you treats to get you to be a good, basic dog. She'll give you treats to cheer you up too, so be sure to whimper a lot. When you simply sit or come, you'll see treats raining down like manna from the sky. Good luck! -Ranger

Dear Ranger,

I think you are an AMAZING dog, and I just love to follow your exploits. I need some help. My mom works at an animal shelter. My life was pretty quiet and I got plenty of attention, until my Mom brought home three nasty kittens. She keeps them in a room upstairs, and when I listen through the door I can hear them plotting to get rid of me. She says their stay is temporary until she can get them adopted, but they are acting all pitiful and my Dad spends too much time with them. Will they become my ugly step-siblings?

-Mitten Kitten

Dear Mitten Kitten,

I am so sorry you've had to live with such scoundrels. There are feral cats out here and I can tell you they are nasty bits of goods. I think you are going to have to expose their vile behavior to your parents -while looking completely innocent, of course. One idea is to rig the door so that it can be pushed open while your parents are out. Let the kitties loose and wreak havoc over the house. Help them push over lights and fling glasses off of shelves. Tell them it's redecorating. Be sure to poop on the rug too. When your parents pull up in the driveway, hide under the bed and look mortified. Show you are clearly terrified of the imps, and pretend you've been there all day. Those little demons will get all the blame, and your mom will put special energy into finding another sucker to adopt them. Good luck and let me know how it goes. -Ranger